Smile up a storm.
Cycle of Emotional Abuse

It’s because I don’t know any different. My life has been full of fear, even in childhood. I didn’t know any better. Until now, I thought it was all normal: 
The yelling.
The arguments that turn to fights that turn to threats. 
The feeling of desperation.
Wanting to run…run and never look back. 
My dad grabbing my mom by the arms and shaking her, screaming in her face. 
My dad, sharing a bible verse the next day. 
My dad, faking suicide to see our reaction. 
My dad, too medicated to talk. 
My dad, buying me a stable, three horses, three dogs.
My dad, grabbing a shovel and trying to kill Will. 
Me- standing between them screaming. My first act of defiance. 
That’s why that dog is my world. 
I had to sleep outside that night so my dad couldn’t find me.
Will was my first something to fight for. 
I wasn’t awake yet. 
My dad, calling me a selfish bitch.
My dad, blaring the radio in our truck with the windows open on a summer day.
My dad, singing in church. 
My dad, speaking in tongues in a church that doesn’t accept that just to prove a point. Embarrassing me.
My dad, speeding across choppy water in a boat almost killing us. 
The first time I saw him drink a beer and the ideals he forced on me convicting him. So he screamed at me. 
He smiled easily. 
He broke easily. He also fought easily. 
Everyone was the enemy. 
My mom, not having friends. 
My mom, isolated. 
My mom, so angry and so worn. 
My mom, so thin she was barely there.
My mom, afraid to scratch her neck because he would say the mark was from another man.
Stressed. Starving. Staying because it was her duty to God and my dad was dying. 
My mom, so crazed from him, grabbing a mag light and coming towards me to crash it down in my face because I was pushing my dad away from her. 
She thought I would attack her too. 
He blamed her. He said she was possessed. 
“Who tries to hurt her own child?”
Dad- who tries to convince his wife she is heartless and secludes her? Who does that? 
My dad, still dying. Still screaming one minute and laughing the next.
I only remember his laughing face. Him being angry still seems like a black hole in my memory. 
I wasn’t there. 
I wasn’t that child cowering in the corner. 
Who is she? 
Why doesn’t anybody help her? 
Her dad is a cop- a preacher. 
Her mom is a teacher. 
So why is she troubled? 
Nobody looks behind closed doors. 
What do you do when the person who brainwashed you dies? 
You marry someone just like him. 
You suffer. 
You have a child. 
Suddenly, you fear for your child’s life. 
You investigate that fear.
Suddenly, your whole life, from birth to now, was a cycle of abuse. 
How do you live normally? 
What’s normal? 
What is happiness? 
Not silly, laughter, adrenaline happiness, but true peace? 
What is that? 
You’re uncomfortable. 
Something has to go wrong. 
Why would somebody love you and be normal? 
What is this? 
But then, you accept it.
Somebody cares enough to not hurt you, cheat on you or fuck with your head. 
Someone is normal. 
And I wish I could forget my shitty past. 

tonedbellyplease:

gavinscreamingmichaelyelling:

time-is-a-many-splendored-thing:

douglasmurphy:

rainbowcoffin:

c-h-0-w:

nightwife:

Always reblog

Woah

well he really should have worn more protective clothing if he didn’t want that to happensounds to me like he was asking for it

Are we really sure he was actually shot and decapitated? Idk, sounds like something he would’ve made up. Guys make false decapitation accusations all the time, you know. 

If he didn’t want to be decapitated, he shouldn’t have worn a shirt that showed off his neck

I mean, not all woman decapitate people. I’m not like that.

He wasn’t even wearing a bullet proof vest, what did he expect?

OMG crying.

tonedbellyplease:

gavinscreamingmichaelyelling:

time-is-a-many-splendored-thing:

douglasmurphy:

rainbowcoffin:

c-h-0-w:

nightwife:

Always reblog

Woah

well he really should have worn more protective clothing if he didn’t want that to happen
sounds to me like he was asking for it

Are we really sure he was actually shot and decapitated? Idk, sounds like something he would’ve made up. Guys make false decapitation accusations all the time, you know. 

If he didn’t want to be decapitated, he shouldn’t have worn a shirt that showed off his neck

I mean, not all woman decapitate people. I’m not like that.

He wasn’t even wearing a bullet proof vest, what did he expect?

OMG crying.

eatingisfab:

i wish i can just read good novels, watch great movies, listen to my favorite songs, travel, see beautiful things, eat whenever im hungry and sleep when im tired but no no, i have to go to school, graduate, find a job and struggle. 

pandaspwnz:

farfrompaid:

You not finding me attractive is not going to stop me from being attractive.

I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU KEEP THIS MINDSET YOU WILL GET SOOO MUCH CONFIDENCE

Why do people straighten or curl their hair to put it in a ponytail?

Maybe I’m just not super “with it” in fashion, but a pony tail is literally throwing your hair up out if the way.

The Phoenix sun makes my skin look transparent. These cigarettes are killing me but they help with the stress.

siriusly-fatal:

noonington:
My son is going to his fathers this weekend while I drill with my national guard unit. I hate sending him there, but legally I have to. The abuse he put me through was somehow labelled as not a threat to our son. He’s never shown warning signs and never hurt our son, but dropping off your child with someone who abused you is terrifying. I’m supposed to be a soldier, but when I see him adrenaline will course through my veins and my hands will shake. I’m supposed to be a soldier, but fear for my sons well being isn’t something they could cure me from. I will walk straight into my own destruction. I would meet my ex without my son and be able to stare him straight in the face with no fear, no shaking, just readiness. But having no choice in leaving my son with him? He’s found a way to channel my fear, even now.

My son is going to his fathers this weekend while I drill with my national guard unit. I hate sending him there, but legally I have to. The abuse he put me through was somehow labelled as not a threat to our son. He’s never shown warning signs and never hurt our son, but dropping off your child with someone who abused you is terrifying. I’m supposed to be a soldier, but when I see him adrenaline will course through my veins and my hands will shake. I’m supposed to be a soldier, but fear for my sons well being isn’t something they could cure me from. I will walk straight into my own destruction. I would meet my ex without my son and be able to stare him straight in the face with no fear, no shaking, just readiness. But having no choice in leaving my son with him? He’s found a way to channel my fear, even now.

alanaisreading:

Recipe for guilt-free doughnuts.

WHEN I SPEND MY FRIDAY NIGHT BLOGGING INSTEAD OF GOING OUT
I cremated a cigarette.

I cremated a cigarette.

Today would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary.

I’m glad I dodged that bullet.